It was a stormy monday night... Winds were howling and trees were strewn over cars and street lamps (even though there were no street lamps because there were trees everywhere, and if there are trees everywhere that probably means that the street lamps were pretty out of commission too). Soaking wet, I came home to a household full of shouting and rude comments (my dad was watching Scarface). I changed into some dry clothes, grabbed my car keys, and like any other 17 year old in the world on that night, I went shopping. I went to Target, and I remember being in the bathroom, making short cakes.

Pooping. I was pooping. I was also playing on my phone in silent mode, which is called multitasking, okay. Put it on the job apps.

And whilst I was pooping, some guy walks into the bathroom, and squats a seat in the stall next to me. Luckily, I was in the post-poop, but I didn't know what to do! Never in my life have I been a part of a double dump. You that awkward, trying-not-to-make-a-sound-but-you-are-both-pooping, deal? I tried making less awkward and dull down the awkwardness by keeping quiet, but because I kept quiet, I created a NEW awkward moment of quietness!

It was so quiet. I heard a fly fart. It was a soft, angelic whistle. It was quite beautiful, actually.

So we're both sitting there, one of us trying to mind our own business, the other not knowing I was there. Suddenly. I thought to myself:

"It's a monday... I got nothin' goin on."

So I let out the most blood-curdling scream.

The roar was so loud! It was like I released Thor in the bathroom! It was like uppercutting a play-doh can! All i hear is the guy burst out of the stall, just screaming, and run out into the store.

All I remember after that was walking out of the stall and doing a double fist into the air, and yelling "I AM THE MASTER COMMANDER!" I dont even know why I said this. I guess it just fit the moment.

But I remember after this, I lokoed into his stall...

The guy left his pants in the stall. That means he got so scared that he SLIPPED his sneakers out of his pants, and ran into target in his beefy Hanes.

I then walked out into the store, found the nearest employee, and told him:

"Look, I dont know what happened int there, but some guy... left his pants... in the stall..."

And the employee just looks at me for a couple seconds, then makes a scrunchie face and says "Oh....... Again?"

Again? Freaking AGAIN?
Mr.Kerckhof
2/25/2013

This is important because now I know not to scream in the stall no matter how awkward the tension of the silence gets. I wouldn't want to put someone through the embarrassment of running through a target store pant less. The "again" part worries me as well.

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Jordan lam
2/25/2013

Yes, yes I do believe it is quite important. However, do keep in mind that it was a monday and I had nothin goin on. If I was busy then who knows, maybe I may not have even been there and none of this may have happened. I believe that this is the work of fate, and there are many lessons to learn from this wild and epic experience. Truth be told, I was also playing papi jump on my phone. Bike race may also have been in the mix somewhere. I would love to compliment you in someway ,but that way is unbeknownst to me, so I will just say that you are quite intelligent.

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Miss. F
2/25/2013

I found myself wondering why there was an "AGAIN"? I would not expect this to be a common occurence in Target. I liked your comment, "It was so quiet. I heard a fly fart. It was a soft, angelic whistle." Good Job!

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Jordan Lam
2/25/2013

Thank you Miss. F! 'Twas quite the intriguing occurrence, I was caught off guard when I realized there were plural times of this adventure. Maybe the same guy was involved? That is 2+ pairs of jeans he must have lost. Jeans are also expensive.

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This makes me think of (to go off of bodily functions but to also bring it back to teaching) a comedy sketch by Jerry Dee. He talks about his time as a teacher, and how we could handle anything: kids who vomit, kids who accidentally go to the bathroom, kids who hang off of him and won't let go. But the thing he just couldn't stand as a teacher was snot: it's sticky and gets everywhere. I'm inclined to agree.

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Jordan Lam
2/27/2013

That is important to remember because as I have just rhymed to myself - snot is gross, snot is icky, getting it off is very tricky.

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